


You're not Dead?

by bethy_277



Series: Prompts [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-13 07:28:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18936232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethy_277/pseuds/bethy_277
Summary: This was done for an anon prompt on Agib's Tumblr. I saw it, and asked for permission to write it.The request was Peter thinks that Tony is dead, and Tony keeps it that way to keep Peter safe, only Pepper, Rhodey and Happy know he's alive. It's not until Peter starts to go towards suicide that Tony steps in and tells Peter he did it to protect him.I took it a little further.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE PLEASE take note of the tags before you read this. Peter tries to commit suicide in this and there are plenty of suicidal thoughts. If that affects you, PLEASE step away now. Please protect yourself.
> 
> So this is unlike anything I have written before. I saw the prompt and kind of went with it? I didn't intend for it to be this much though. This is totally unedited, totally unbeta'd so I apologize for any mistakes I made, or anything that comes off weird. I deliberately kept dialogue at a minimum. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing Marvel, or even this initial idea. That belongs to the anon who submitted the prompt.

“I have lost so many people in my life, but I guess I never imagined that when I go to know him that Tony would be one of them. He always seemed so indestructible, and like he would be here forever.”

Peter halted his speech as he looked across the small group of people assembled. Pepper had wanted to keep Tony’s funeral small, only inviting anyone who had been involved with the final battle, Maria Hill and Nick Fury, as well as a teenage boy Peter had learned was called Harley.

There were sad, tearstained faces looking back at him as he tried to keep his own tears at bay. Pepper, Happy, Morgan and Rhodey didn’t look as devastated as everyone else and Peter wished he could be as strong as them. He hadn’t even known Tony half as long as they each had.

“I will miss Tony for the rest of my life, but knowing that he sacrificed himself for the good of the universe helps me in understanding that his sacrifice was so important, and that he could never sit by and do nothing. I’m going to follow after his example and live a life to make you proud Tony. Thank you for everything..” 

As Peter stepped down from the podium, Pepper got up from her seat and walked over to him. She threw her arms around him to give him a hug and Peter felt the tears erupt again.

In the two weeks that Tony had been gone, he had cried more than he ever had. He had been too young to remember losing his parents, and losing Ben had been its own painful experience but Tony had been different still. He had filled the hole that Ben had left and Peter didn’t think that there would be anyone else that could possibly fill the massive void that Tony had left. 

He pulled back from Pepper after a few moments and she smiled sadly at him, before he walked past her to join May at their seats. When he sat down, he brought his elbows to his knees and hid his head in his hands, desperate to try to stop the tears.

“Oh honey.” May whispered next to him as she rubbed a hand down his back. The two of them had been in this position pretty much every day since the night Peter had watched Tony die right in front of him. He knew May had cried, she had apparently gotten close to Tony and Pepper in the time that Peter had been gone, but she hadn’t cried as much as Peter. He had cried in secret even more than she knew- waiting until she had gone to bed to really let it out. 

She also didn’t know about the nights that Peter had gone out his window to sit on the fire escape and look at the stars. On more than one occasion Peter had wondered if he would survive a direct fall to the ground from 7 stories up, and then tried to shake that thought when he found himself hoping that he wouldn’t. 

-

It wasn’t until a few weeks later that the thoughts really started to come with a vengeance. 

Peter had been surviving, getting through each day, taking it day by day, but not emerging from any of the fog from the grief that had taken over his body and mind. There had been so many little things that reminded Peter of Tony-, graffiti across the city, a lady buying him a churro, a candle memorial to Iron Man. He had attempted to go out as Spiderman once, had thrown up about an hour in and not attempted it since, the suit currently crumpled on the bottom of his closet. 

May thought he was doing better as he refused to cry in front of her anymore. He would purposely wait until he knew she was asleep before going out to the fire escape and letting it all go. Some nights he had even gone the four blocks to the park to scream and yell at the heavens for taking Tony away from him. 

He was doing that now, sitting on the fire escape and staring at the sky. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept more than 2 hours a night. He was exhausted but sleep brought nightmares so no sleep was the better option, no matter how tired he was. 

Peter knew Ned and MJ were concerned as he ignored 95% of their texts and attempts to communicate but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He knew he was being a terrible friend but pushing them away seemed like the right thing to do. 

The two of them were the ones on his mind at that moment. He didn’t think that they would really miss him if he decided to let go, they would move on without him, not have to worry about trying to talk to him. And May, she had survived 5 years without Peter- she would be fine if he was gone. It was really only the fact that she felt bad for him that she was looking after him now. Even Pepper had tried reaching out to him and Peter had shut that down. She didn’t need to deal with him when she had her own grief and Morgan to take care of. 

“Peter!” May’s voice behind him startled

him as a hand gripped around his wrist and pulled. He was startled to see that he had been standing on the edge of the fire escape, staring at the ground. 

May pulled him with all her strength and he fell back onto the ledge, away from the edge. She yanked him up and pulled him back through his window into his bedroom, Peter not resisting. May pushed him onto his bed, letting his arm go as she turned away to yank his window shut and lock it. 

May turned back around to Peter and he was startled to see that her face was pale and she looked frightened.

“‘May-“ Peter started but she cut him off.

“What the hell was that?! Why were you standing up there? Were you planning on jumping?”

“No, of course not May.” Peter lied.

“Then you just felt like standing right on the edge of the escape and scaring the hell out of me?”

“Why are you even awake?” Peter asked a little more defensively than he meant to.

“Oh Peter, i’ve been awake pretty much every night you’ve gone out there.” May replied and Peter’s heart sank. “I know you’ve been crying more than you let on, and your friends have let me know you’re ignoring them.”

May sat down on the bed and put her hand on Peter’s knee.

“Peter, I need you to talk to me. You can’t keep going on like this. I know Tony meant a lot to you, but he wouldn’t want this. His sacrifice was to give you a life again, not to shut everyone out. Pepper would really like to see you.” 

Peter shook his head.

“No. And i’m fine. I’ll talk to MJ and Ned tomorrow. I’m going to go to sleep.”

Peter pulled his leg away from May and stood up, pulling the covers back to slide under them. May stood up as he lay down and pulled the covers up to his shoulders, and turned away from her. May sighed but didn’t say anything, and he heard her leave his room.

He didn’t sleep.

-

The thoughts came back a week later. Peter was running on even less sleep and the fog was consistent. When he had been at school one day, not even comprehending anything, May had installed a new lock on his window and refused to give him the key, so he couldn’t even look at the stars and wonder about Tony. He knew Thor and the Guardians were somewhere up in space.

He was alone in the apartment with the thoughts his only companion. May was at work.

Peter had decided it was time to go, to give in to the thoughts. No one would miss him.

He had thought about jumping in front of a train but chickened out when the time had come. He did know that May had sleeping pills in her bathroom, prescribed from when Peter was gone. He also knew that barely any were used. He didn’t know how many it would take for his metabolism so he had decided to take the whole bottle.

The bottle that was in front of him right now, lid opened and pills spilled onto Peter’s hand.

Without any more hesitation, he placed all of the pills into his mouth and started swallowing, aided by a glass of water.

Pills swallowed, Peter set the glass down, and lay down in his bed, covers pulled over his head as he closed his eyes, waiting for his heart to stop.

-

Screaming and someone slapping him roused him slightly. He was dragged from the bed and then fingers were shoved down his throat, causing him to gag. The fingers shoved down even harder and Peter’s stomach revolted, and he threw up.

The fingers didn’t let up, shoving down as hard as they could before Peter threw up again. This process repeated three times before there was nothing left for Peter to throw up.

He lay on his carpet, eyes closed as multiple hands shook him hard, his head rolling around with the effort.

Another slap on his cheek, followed by another one.

Peter opened his eyes to see blurry figures surrounding him. He was so tired that he didn’t even attempt to discern who they were, and he closed his eyes again.

Hands on him roused him as he was manhandled and placed onto a softer surface. He didn’t know if he was even alive when the hands felt like they belonged to someone who he knew he was dead.

The thought that he was going to see that person had him pulling his eyes open. Tony Stark was sitting above him, tears streaking down his cheeks. There was a mask on Peter’s face and he was so exhausted but he had to know.

“Am I dead?”

“No. Not for lack of trying though kid.” Tony replied.

“You’re dead?”

“No, Pete. I’m not.”

Peter just hummed, sure that he was dead. His eyes closed again.

The next time he opened them, he was less foggy and the mask was gone from his face. He moved his head to see May, Pepper and Happy all asleep on various couches. A hand touched his arm on his other side and when he turned his head, he jumped back. Tony Stark was sitting there, looking thinner than Peter had ever seen him and beyond exhausted, but he was there.

“What?” Peter asked.

“God kid. Don’t ever do something like that again.”

“You’re dead. You’re dead. I watched you die. I’m hallucinating or i’m dead..” Peter replied, his heart pounding. There was no way the man was really sitting in front of him.

“Neither Pete. Though you came close. God.”

“How?” Peter whispered. His eyes knew what they were seeing but his heart and head couldn’t comprehend it. He had seen the light fade from Tony’s eyes, seen Pepper give him the permission to go, heard Tony’s heart stop.

“It’s a long story and i’ll explain it to you at a later time, but i’m not dead.”

Peter started crying then.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me? Why would you hide that from me? Who knew?”

“Kid. It was better for everyone to think I was gone. I can’t explain everything to you right now, but I promise you it was done to protect you. Only to protect you. Pep, Rhodey, Hap and Morgan knew. And now you and May. I’m so sorry Pete. Pepper and Happy were trying to keep an eye on you for me, but they were struggling and then this. And May told me she found you about to jump from the fire escape a few weeks ago.”

Tony was crying now, his hand clasping Peter’s. Peter lifted his free hand to touch Tony’s face, the other man’s free hand coming on top of his.

“You’re real?” Peter whispered.

“Yeah Pete. I am. I’m here.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so i'll be completely honest that I am pretty terrified posting this chapter.
> 
> So many of you really loved the first chapter and were asking for the second one and I'm genuinely concerned this won't live up to expectations. 
> 
> This is actually the second version I wrote, the first one was totally different.
> 
> I was writing the first one and I thought about that Peter could actually be angry about the fact that no one told him, and decided to go with that, and brought on protective May full force.  
> I actually wanted talking to the therapist to not be a huge part of this because I wanted to have the impact of his actions shown for other people as well. And i've honestly only talked to a therapist once, it was a few years ago and at a time that anxiety was destroying my life and making it almost impossible for me to function, even to talk to a therapist so I don't remember anything that we talked about.
> 
> I also feel like some of the characters might be a bit OOC?
> 
> Anyways, as usual, I own nothing.

Peter was in the Medbay, being monitored and not allowed to go anywhere for at least 40 more hours. He had found out that it was May & Pepper who had found him, Pepper having reached out to May to try to get to Peter that way after he kept ignoring her. May was the one to shove her fingers down Peter’s throat in a desperate attempt to get him to throw up while Pepper hysterically called Happy, and then Tony.

Happy frantically broke the speed limit to get to their apartment while Tony got himself to the Medbay with Rhodey, completely beside himself by the time the others got to the Tower, with a breathing but otherwise completely unresponsive Peter. A stomach pump and numerous hours later and Peter had woken up, with an oxygen mask on his face and a devastated mechanic by his side.

No one really has any idea how long it was before May & Pepper found Peter after he took the pills since he has no idea himself. He doesn’t even fully remember grabbing the pills or even deciding to take them, and he certainly doesn’t remember anything after that except for maybe some screaming and the softness of the carpet in his bedroom.

He has numerous blankets piled on the bed he’s on in the Medbay and he’s  snuggled into them. He knows his body is still in shock after what he put it through and isn’t fully regulating properly yet. He’s only alive because of his spider abilities and even those abilities struggled with the amount of pills he took.

It’s been 10 hours since he woke up to Tony at his side, he asked FRIDAY for an update as soon as he woke up the second time.

Tony was there when Peter first woke up with the mask on his face, convinced he was dead until May and Pepper both walked in, both of them with red, bloodshot eyes when they looked at Peter. Tony and the women explained to a half-asleep Peter what was going to happen and then stayed until Peter fell asleep. When he woke up again, there was no one there.

FRIDAY had informed him that he was under surveillance and not to try anything because there would be plenty of people alerted before he could even attempt it. His thoughts were going wild, telling him to go to the roof and Peter wanted to follow them, despite FRIDAY’s warnings, but he was just too tired and confused and angry. He was surprised that he was angry but he also knew it made sense.

He was confused, angry and hurt. He wasn’t upset with May, she had no idea, but he was with Tony and then Pepper and Rhodey and Happy. The latter three had all known Tony was alive, and kept it from Peter. Pepper had known he was spiraling and still chosen to keep it from him.

He could actually hear the five adults in the hallway, arguing. He was surprised that FRIDAY hadn’t informed them that he was awake, or maybe she had, but he knew when May Parker was on a warpath that she wouldn’t care who could hear, even her nephew who had attempted to kill himself and who had enhanced hearing.

“You haven’t even seen him these past few weeks! You have no clue how bad it’s been! How dare you do this?!”

“May-“

“Don’t you even start with me Pepper! You all claim to have Peter’s best interests at heart, and then you keep probably the most important thing a secret from him! None of you had to watch him slowly withdrawing despite your best efforts. None of you heard him go out onto the balcony every night and cry. None of you caught him standing on the edge of the balcony looking like he was going to jump. And none of you had to stick your fingers down the throat of your dying nephew in an attempt to get him to throw up the pills he took to get him to take a breath. The pills that belonged to you. So don’t you ever pretend that you had Peter’s best interests at heart. Because you didn’t.”

“May, we had to keep it a secret, to try to protect Peter.”

“You call what you did protection? Do I need to remind you how many people Peter has lost? Contrary to popular belief, Peter is a trustworthy kid and he could have kept the fact that you were alive a secret Tony. But you all decided you knew what was best for him, not giving him or myself, who has known him far longer than any of you, the option to decide.”

“May-“

“Peter is staying here for the required 72 hours and then I am taking him home. He knows you’re alive and that you all lied to him, but he is my nephew and i’m taking care of him. I am taking him to see the hospital’s psychiatrist and I don’t want any of your input.”

“May, no one can know i’m alive.”

“Oh screw you Tony Stark.”

The door opened then and May came into the room, seeing Peter staring at her before rushing over to him to give him a hug. He was still feeling heavy so it took a moment to get his arms up to wrap around her back but when he did, she squeezed even harder.

“Did you hear all of that?”

Peter nodded against May’s shoulder and she drew back to look at his face.

“Is that okay? If you think it’ll help to stay here around Tony, we can do that. I won’t like it, but we can do that.”

“I want to go back to Queens.” Peter replied, and he really did. He really thought he would he happier to know that Tony was alive and he was happy to a point, but he mostly just felt exhausted and numb.

“You’re here for another 62 hours, and then i’m taking you home. If you want to tell someone Tony is alive, you do that and screw him. We’ll get you an appointment with Dr Smith. And no Spiderman for a while, okay?”

Peter nodded. He didn’t feel like getting in the suit even if he wanted to. May leaned back, setting herself into a chair before she reached out to stroke Peter’s hair away from his forehead.

“God Peter, i’m so sorry.”

“What?” Peter asked.

“I should have noticed just how bad it was getting. I should have said something before-“

“May, this isn’t on you.” Peter shook his head as May’s hand trembled slightly.

Tony walked into the room then and May tensed up.

“Pete.” Tony started and Peter shook his head.

“I was trying to keep you safe-.” Tony tried again and Peter got angry.

“You don’t get to decide that!” Peter shot back. “Were you even really hurt, or was that just for show? let's put on a show and make Peter cry?”

“Yes I was hurt Peter. But Strange did some magic thing and was able to halt the damage. There’s a lot of scarring on my arm and chest.”

“Oh so Strange knows too?” Peter shot back.

“He does. Peter, Ross is on the warpath now that he’s back. It was better that I stay out sight for a few months while everything got sorted out. We were going to let everyone know soon that I was alive.” Tony took a step towards the bed but halted at the glare that May gave him.

“Were you going to tell me before that, or was I just going to find out when everyone else did? Pepper even held a funeral, and I wondered why she could keep it together when I couldn’t and she was your wife, but it makes so much sense now!” Angry tears were streaking down Peter’s face now and he didn’t bother to lift his hands to wipe them away.

“Pete-“

“Just go away.”

Tony nodded, looking sad but moved towards the door.

“If you need anything, let FRIDAY know and she’ll get someone, there’s not many people here but someone will come. You’re free to go in 62 hours. I am deeply sorry Pete, and i’m so glad you aren’t dead.”

Peter just glared as Tony left the room, shutting the door softly behind him. Peter listened as the footsteps faded off down the hallway before he burst into tears. May pulled him into her arms and he sobbed into her arms.

-

“We can just start off slow today Peter. I just want to get a base, okay? I know you tried to kill yourself, can you tell me why?”

Peter swallowed as he sat in front of the doctor. He had been out of the Tower Medbay for 3 days and he hadn’t spoken to Tony, gone outside or seen anyone except May.

She had called into work everyday and all they did was watch movies, sleep a lot on Peter’s end, and eat different takeout as she made him talk to her. Peter told her about the voices and the thoughts and how he had given into them and she had spent a lot of time hugging him. She had also informed him that her bathroom was 100% off limits to him ever again, and that the lock on his window was not coming off anytime soon. Peter could easily break it if he really wanted to, but he also knew he wouldn't.

Peter had overheard her talking on the phone one night to Happy, the night after he had driven them home in a completely silent car ride but beyond that, he knew she hadn’t spoken to anyone yet- her anger at them and her worry for Peter taking over anything else.

MJ and Ned were both furious and terrified when they had heard what he had done. Ned blamed himself for not stepping in quicker and MJ had cried. They had wanted to see him but May’s imposed house arrest prevented him from that.

After those three days, Peter had been pulled out of bed one morning, dragged to the doctors office and placed in front of the psychiatrist. May was sitting right outside the door, ready to come in if she needed, but otherwise Peter was on his own.

“I- I” Peter stuttered slightly and the doctor nodded encouragingly. Peter decided he didn’t want to stay Tony’s name, despite what May had said and how he currently felt about him.

“I thought someone that I cared about was dead.”

“I can see how that could be very upsetting. But you said you thought? Were they not dead?”

Peter shook his head, his eyes tearing up again. Dr Smith handed him a box of tissues and he took one before she set the box back down. Peter didn’t use it to wipe his eyes though, instead he played with it in his hands, ripping it into smaller and smaller pieces. The doctor let him do it for a few moments before she spoke again.

“When did you find out he wasn’t dead?”

“I woke up in the hospital after-“ Peter stammered again

“After the attempt?” Dr Smith encouraged and Peter nodded.

“He was there when I first woke up.”

“I imagine that was very confusing and upsetting for you?”

“I thought I was dead.” Peter affirmed. He didn’t remember much of the immediate aftermath but he did remember that.

“Did you get the chance to talk to him?”

“He said he was sorry, and that it was done to protect me and keep me safe.”

“Did he explain any more than that?”

“‘Not really.” Peter shook his head. “But it makes me so angry and-“ He paused but the woman motioned him to go on.

“There were 4 people that knew and they all kept it from me. They all said that they were doing it to protect me, but shouldn’t I have a say in that? They kept the fact that he was alive from me for weeks.”

“People sometimes don’t make the best decisions when it comes to people they care for. They clearly wanted to protect you from something and thought since they are the adults that it was the right decision. May explained to me how you withdrew from everything and how she found you on the balcony before your attempt. She said she’s locked your window, have you wanted to unlock the window and go back out there?”

“I’m just too tired to do that.”

“Tired?”

“Before there was so much going on in my head and even when I was in the hospital, there were thoughts, but they’ve all kind of gone away and i’m just tired. I don’t even have enough energy to do more than watch movies, sleep and eat food with May.” Peter explained.

He was telling the truth, after he had gotten back to the apartment, it had only taken a night for the exhaustion to truly set in and for the manic thoughts to start to dissipate.

“Peter, do you feel actively suicidal right now?”

“No.”

“Can I call May back in?”

Peter nodded and the doctor stood up to open her door and call May in. She came in and sat next to Peter who leaned into her shoulder, feeling drained.

“At this point, I don’t want to put Peter on any medication. I don’t think it would help right now. Peter, you’re feeling exhausted right now because you’ve had a very tiring few weeks with thinking you lost someone very important and not sleeping and your mind trying to deal with losing this person while you’ve been grieving. Now that you know the person is alive, your body is trying to adjust again to get back to a more normal area and one of those things it finds itself needing again is sleep.”

“Do you think he should see him? I’ve been keeping Peter away from them but is that the right decision?” May asked.

“I think that’s up to Peter. That’s a decision that only can make. You mentioned you were angry Peter?”

“I am.”

“I would suggest waiting some time to talk to the people who made you angry but if you think you should talk to them before that, only you can make that decision.”

-

It was another week before Peter even left the apartment. A week of more watching movies, eating takeout and sleeping. May let MJ and Ned come over 4 days into it but they didn’t talk about what he’d done and Peter fell asleep only a few hours into them being over, not even waking up when they said goodbye so he felt like he didn’t even really see them.

It took most of that week for the exhaustive fog Peter felt he was in to dissipate and after another session with Dr Smith, both the doctor and May agreed that Peter could go back out.

Despite still not feeling great, Peter called MJ and Ned and they decided to go out for sandwiches at Delmars. When they met up, the two hugged him tightly, not letting go for a good few minutes before Peter started lightly pushing them both back.

“No bullshit- how are you?” MJ asked and Peter hesitated. He still hadn’t really spoken to anyone besides May and the Doctor but he still didn’t want to tell anyone that Tony was actually alive.

“I’m okay, really. I’m not going to try again.”  Peter said truthfully. He hadn’t had a single thought about taking his life after that first night away from the Tower, talking out his thoughts and feelings with Dr Smith and May having done wonders, and the fact that knowing Tony was alive had lightened his heart again- despite how mad Peter still felt at him. He knew he wasn’t all there yet, he still had times when he forgot Tony was alive and those moments were bad, but he got through them.

“Please don’t. Getting that call from May was the worst thing i’ve ever heard.” Ned choked up and Peter hugged him again, Ned gripping him tightly.

“It’s good to see you kids,” Mr Delmar looked much older than 5 years, but Peter knew that had happened to a lot of people, the stress of trying to continue after losing half the universe and then suddenly having to deal with that half of the universe coming back. Even May looked much older than her 41 years.

The teenagers headed back to Ned’s house after getting the sandwiches,  Peter wanting to give May a break so she could get some rest without worrying about her. He knew he had completely terrified her and hated that she had had to do what she did to save Peter. She hadn’t mentioned it after the yelling in the hallway but he still thought about it plenty.

Peter lasted through two movies before he fell asleep, lying between Ned and MJ. He woke up sometime later, hearing them whispering over him, but not moving to alert them he was awake.

“-prevent this happening again?”

“Can we? He lost Tony Stark and that man meant a lot to him.”

“I just-MJ- that really was the worst call i’ve ever received. I knew he wasn’t doing well but that-“

“I know. But we just keep a closer eye on him. Us and May. We don’t let him ignore our texts and calls like that again, but this is ultimately up to Peter.”

“May said they talked to a doctor… but she didn’t give him any medication.”

“I did some research on that and I agree with her. Peter seems better than he did even last week and that’s without medication. He’s slowly coming back, but we agree not to allow it to get that bad again. We don’t let him go on that spiral again.”

“But as you said, he lost Mr Iron Man and he meant a lot to Peter. He lost his dad, Ben and now Mr Stark. How can we prevent this when he keeps losing people he cares about? What if he pulls away because he feels like he needs to protect us?”

“We don’t let him.”

Peter fell back asleep as someone touched his face, waking up a few hours later to just Ned watching the tv, informing him that MJ had left the hour previous. Peter ending up spending the night at Ned’s, not mentioning he had heard their conversation but definitely mulling it in his head.

-

“I think I want to see Tony.”

May’s head shot up from where she was trying to cook them lunch. Peter sat himself down on the stool closest to the kitchen and she set down her spatula.

“Are you ready for that?”

“I think so.” Peter nodded. “It’s been 2 months since the attempt, and Dr Smith said it’s up to me.”

The latest session Peter had had with the doctor had found himself deciding that he needed to talk to Tony. He hadn’t heard a peep from the man, and Peter hadn’t reached out to him either. But Peter found himself feeling more clear headed than he had in months, and he wanted to see Tony.

They still hadn’t made the announcement that Tony was alive but Peter had told MJ & Ned, who after getting over their initial shock had both encouraged him to at least talk to the man.

“I’ll let Happy know.”

“Wait, you’ve been talking to Happy?” Peter asked surprised. As far as he knew, the only conversation May had had with Happy had been the one right after the attempt. “Have you been talking to the others?”

“No. I text Happy once a week with an update, he was completely terrified the night we found you and apologized enough times that I lost count after 10. I imagine he tells the others but he’s never mentioned them and I haven’t asked.”

Peter nodded at that and May reached over for her phone. They sat in silence for a few moments before May’s phone chirped with a new text.

“He says he’s in the area and can pick you up in 15 mins to go to Tony’s new penthouse. That’s awfully convenient. Yes or no?”

“Yes.” Peter replied and May sent a return text before picking up the spatula again.

“I’ll save this for dinner then.”

Peter sat watching her until her phone chirped again and they headed downstairs. When Happy’s car pulled up May hugged him as Happy got out of the drivers’ seat.

“Pete. Kid. It’s good to see you.”

“You too Happy.”

“You call me if you want to come home. I’ll be there right away!” May instructed him as she hugged him again.

“If he wants to leave, i’ll bring him back right away May.”

“You’d better!” May threatened as she stepped back to let Peter get into the car. He climbed into the passenger seat while Happy got into the driver's seat and they pulled away.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments, Peter staring out the window.

“Pete.” Happy sounded uncharacteristically hesitant so Peter turned around. “I apologized a lot to May that night and pretty much every week since but I never apologized to you. This is not something that we should have ever kept from you.”

“It’s okay.” Peter replied.

“How are you doing? May gives me updates but they are usually short.”

“I’m not suicidal anymore so that’s progress.” The comment came out much harsher than Peter intended, his anger rising up quickly and he saw Happy wince.

“That’s good.” Happy said softly and the car got quiet again as they headed into Manhattan where Peter guessed the secret penthouse was. Happy pulled into a garage and then the two headed up in the elevator.

When the doors opened, Pepper was standing there. She looked at Peter and smiled softly.

“Hi honey.”

Peter just stared back at her and her smile faded.

“Tony’s in his office. It’s straight down the hall.”

Peter nodded as he walked past her down the hall to said office. The door was open and when Peter stopped, he could see Tony sitting rigidly on one of the soft chairs. He was wearing a t-shirt and Peter could see the thick scars on the man's  arm. He hadn’t seen Peter yet as he was staring at the far wall away from the door so Peter looked at him.

He looked much older than he had when Peter had last seen him, and much thinner. His eyes looked tired, and his hair was scruffy. The scars were wrapped around his arm and Peter could see them extending beyond his t-shirt’s collar and up onto his neck a little. He looked completely lost and Peter felt more sad than angry.

He would have stood there for longer but the floor creaked and Tony’s gaze shot to Peter and he stood up quickly.

“Peter.” Tony said softly and Peter surprised himself by suddenly bursting into tears. Tony crossed the floor quickly to be by Peter’s side.

“Can I hug you kid?” Peter nodded and Tony threw his arms around him. Peter adjusted his face so it was buried in Tony’s chest. He could hear the man’s heartbeat, quicker than normal but strong and there.

“Can we sit down Pete?” Tony asked after a few moments, and Peter nodded. He didn’t move his head from Tony’s chest as the man adjusted his arms so he could lead Peter to a chair. They sat down in the couch and Tony’s arm went back around Peter as he continued to cry into Tony’s chest. He could feel the scar tissue from the arm pressed into his shoulder.

“Can I talk?” Peter nodded.

“Bud, I messed up. I know you were there at the end there, and that I stopped breathing and was for all intended purposes, dead. But after Rhodey pulled you away Strange was there and he did some voodoo magic or whatever and suddenly I wasn’t dead anymore. But I was still very sick for a while there, and then Ross was on the warpath for a while, going after any Avenger he could before being stopped. People knew Spiderman disappeared into space with me, and there were rumors it was you.” Tony drew back and touched the back of Peter’s neck. “Can you look at me?”

Peter shook his head and Tony sighed.

“I thought if I stayed away from you for a while that it would blown over and people wouldn’t suspect you. I was at my funeral- which is the weirdest thing i’ve ever done, and i’ve done a lot weird things- and seeing you give that speech and not announcing right then and there that I was alive was the hardest thing i’ve ever done. I’ve only ever been proud of you kid. You never need to prove that to me. Except the ferry, that was bad.”

Peter half laughed/half sobbed and Tony’s hand went to rest on his back.

“I want you to look at me when I tell you this. Can you?”

Peter raised his head to look at Tony, his eyes already sore from crying. Tony raised a thumb to run in under Peter’s eyes. There were tears running down Tony’s face.

“I’m so sorry Peter. I made a terrible decision and you paid the price. I thought Pepper and Happy keeping an eye on you for a few weeks would be okay. I thought I was protecting you but really I hurt you even more than I could have ever imagined. When you almost died-“ Tony paused for a moment before speaking again.

“When i got that call from Pepper telling me what you’d done and I could hear May screaming your name in the background to try to get you to wake up, it was probably the worst moment in my life, second to only you disappearing on Titan. Pete, i’m so sorry. I’ve never been so sorry for anything i’ve ever done before.”

Peter didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything past the lump in his throat and Tony’s face fell.

“If you don’t want to ever see me again, I absolutely understand. I don’t deserve you after what I did, after what we all did. I can have Happy take you home and that can be it. I’ll still work on your suit but we can make adjustments so there’s not so many programs or trackers. You can give it to Happy to repair, and I can give it back to him to give back to you- there can be no involvement with me at all and-“

“Stop.” Tony stopped at Peter’s voice. Peter took a deep breath before moving back from Tony slightly to rest against the back of the chair.

“I’m not angry I don’t think. Not anymore. I was. So, so angry and so hurt. That you would let me think that you were dead so so many weeks. That you allowed a funeral to happen, to let

me make a speech where I made a fool out of myself-“

“You didn’t Pete-“

“Please let me finish. You let memake a speech where I made a fool out of myself when I couldn’t keep it together. And Pepper and Happy and Rhodey knew and no one said anything. I understand you wanting to protect me but i’m old enough to do that myself, despite what everyone seems to think. When we hugged during the battle, everything seemed like it was right, and then I couldn’t see you, and then you- I saw Rhodey and you- you were dying-“

Peter let out a sob and took a deep breath.

“And you couldn’t even say anything because you were dying, and Pepper- Pepper told you it was okay to go, and Tony, you died. And when you died, I think something died inside of me, and that was it. It went downhill from there and I just didn’t know what to do. And the voices just got so loud, and unstoppable- and it just seemed like the right thing to do to just let go. May would be fine without me, and MJ and Ned would be fine. You- you were another person in the long list of people who have died or been hurt because of me and your death was the one that finally broke me.”

Peter glanced up from the ground where his eyes had strayed to look at Tony’s face. Tears were flowing steadily down his face as he stared at Peter.

“God Pete.”

“I don’t think I can express how-how deeply happy I am that you aren’t dead Tony, but I don’t know that I can forgive you yet.”

“I understand kid. Do you want Happy to take you home?”

Peter nodded and Tony called out to the ceiling for FRIDAY to let Happy know to get the car ready and the two left the office.

Pepper was sitting on the couch in the living room when they came back in, her eyes looking wet. Peter walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. She shifted slightly, surprised before she put her arms around him and whispered his name.

“Hey Pete. You know you’re welcome around her anytime okay? Or the Tower. We’re announcing i’m alive next month and we’ll be heading back to the Tower for good then.”

Peter nodded.

-

“Why are you so dramatic?”

“It’s part of my flair kid.”

“You literally walked on stage and went “oh look- i’m alive” and then actually dropped a mic and walked off stage.”

“Like I said flair. Some people have it and some just don’t.”

“I wouldn’t call that flair.”

“Shut up Rhodey.”

Peter laughed as he, Rhodey and Tony sat in the common area of the Tower. It had been 5 weeks since he had talked to Tony and Peter felt better than ever. He knew he wasn’t quite there yet but Dr Smith had commented that he was so much better than he had been at the first appointment and she was very pleased with his progress. He had only had a few nights when the thoughts had gotten bad, and that had been easily remedied by Tony picking up his phone whenever Peter called, no matter the time, and just rambling about things until Peter could clear his mind and get his breath again.

Peter had gone back to the Penthouse a week after the initial talk, and the pilot had been there, apologizing as much as Happy had, but Peter had forgiven them all by then. May not there yet. Ross had been forced to step down and acknowledge the Avengers contributions, so Peter was safe again.

Tony threw a pillow at Peter and he gasped in mock outrage.

“You can’t be mean to the person who you lied to for weeks and let believe you were dead.”

“Are you going to refer to that all the time now?”

“Yep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you think? I really hope it lived up to everyone's high standards.. 
> 
> Also fun fact, this is the longest fan fic chapter I have ever written. 
> 
> Also, I have a Tumblr if anyone wants to follow me? I mostly show my love for Tony Stark, Peter Parker and others, and reblog a whole lot of art. It's bethyedolphin9870. 
> 
> :)

**Author's Note:**

> I might write a second part of this, Peter's recovery but i'm not sure yet. 
> 
> Feel free to leave any comments.


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